The Difference Between "Talking the Talk" and "Walking the Walk"

While home this past weekend I took some time to sort through the assorted odds and ends that clutter my childhood room. While sorting I came across a box full of all of the letters and cards that I received throughout my four years at Ole Miss. I found myself feeling very nostalgic as I read through these letters from my loved ones, that is until I ran across some from my dreaded ex. The boy who promised you the world but treated you like crap, pulling the wool over your eyes for years? I'm sure you know the type. Anyways, as I read these letters I found myself becoming morbidly curious, what was it that he said over those 2 years that kept me blinded from the fact that he was a total asshole? After reading these letters and cards I realized what it was, pure manipulation. I don't fault myself for buying into his lies and promises because truth be told, I was young and naive, but more than anything, I needed a distraction from the train wreck that my life had become since my mom got sick. Keeping these things in mind, I completely understand how college Quinn would have fallen for this crap, but reading these things as an adult, it took everything in my power not to scream liar at the top of my lungs. Once my mini-rage subsided, I found myself comparing this particular relationship to the one in which I am currently involved. While examining the two I realized just how easy it is for someone to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear, but how it takes a strong person to follow through. This realization made me thankful for having someone who, while he may not write mushy love notes or sing me songs, treats me like the queen of some small country you have never heard of and follows the through on his word. To me it is the difference between promising and producing, I can promise you a pony but unless I get you one it doesn't really matter now, does it?

New Year's Resolution: Wedding Style

Growing up, I always thought that wedding planning would be this amazing experience for my partner and I to share in, a time full of peaceful decision making and nothing but agreeableness.... boy was I wrong. Not far into this process I learned that Ryan and I have very different ideas of what a wedding should be, and unfortunately these ideas have very rarely found common ground. This lack of congruence has made this process incredibly frustrating and anything but peaceful, with both of us often feeling as though we are having to sacrifice integral parts of our wedding fantasy to accommodate the other. How can it be that in a situation full of mutual compromise both of us are left feeling as though we are having to give up on our vision, when in fact it is probably 50/50? Can it be that we are so set on our visions that we are unable to relish in our small victories out of sadness for our losses? So, my question to both you and myself is this; how can we be happy with half of our dream? To be honest, I do not know the answer. I mean, I know the correct response is "marriage is about compromise", but how do you get your head to explain that to your heart? I think the best way to do this is by changing our attitudes and learning to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. I need to focus more on the fact that I got a band I like instead of on the fact that I probably won't get flowers that I like, and keep this attitude running throughout the remainder of this process. Like anything in life, we need to spend our time giving thanks for the things we have instead of ignoring them by crying over the things we have lost. I want to be more positive, more glass half full, because I really want to be able to enjoy this process and I want Ryan to be able to do the same. So, while it is a bit early for New Years resolutions my resolution is this; work on giving thanks for the good and not letting it be spoiled by the bad.

Giving Thanks!

I like November for many reasons (boots, chunky sweaters and No-Shave-November), but fashion aside, I like November because it encourages many people to be more aware of all of the things they are thankful for in life. Like many, I go through my days, weeks and months without giving thanks for all of the amazing things in my life but I would like to spend this month doing just the opposite: being grateful. So, this might be corny to some of you, but it is important to me to have a reminder of all of the good in life and to have an avenue to share these things.

1: I am very thankful for Ryan and the fact that I have found someone I love so much who just so happens to love me too
2: I am thankful for my family, both alive and deceased, and for all of the great memories that we have shared
3: I am thankful for my friends who have seen me at my worst and still love me all the same
4: I am thankful to be graduating with a job, especially when they are so hard to come by
5: I am thankful for whoever created Flamin' Hot Cheetos (it has been one of those days)
6: Today I am thankful to live in a country who gives voice to all it's citizens, regardless of age, race and gender
7: I am thankful for my sweet dog, Gus, and the fact that he is a happy and healthy little boy
8: I am thankful for everyone, past and present, who have served our country
9: I am thankful for this freakishly gorgeous weather and the fact that I have the day off, enabling me spend time outside enjoying everything!
10: I am thankful that Ryan made it back from South Africa safe and sound
11: I am thankful for the little bit of sleet we got today, giving me a glimpse of winter
12: I am thankful for having a fiance who is actually semi-into wedding planning
13: I am thankful for my parents and what would be their 31 years of marriage, having such great role models is a neat thing
14: I am thankful for the ability to learn from my mistakes
15: I am thankful that 1 month from now I will have graduated with my masters!
16: I am thankful that having Fridays off allowed me to see Twilight this afternoon
17: I am thankful that I had the energy to workout today
18: I am thankful for a lazy day during which I can get caught up on work
19: I am thankful for Ryan's family and the fact that I can call them my own in just a few short months
20: I am thankful for the fact that I have a job that allows me to give back
21: I am thankful that we got upgraded to 1st class for our flight to Detroit
22: I am thankful for the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with some of the people I am most thankful for
23: I am thankful for beer
24: I am thankful for having a future mother in law and sisters in law who are kind and loving enough to throw me a wonderful bridal shower
25: I am thankful for the little bit of snowfall that we got in Michigan
26: I am thankful for a safe, easy and bump-free flight back to KC
27: I am thankful for making the required amount of hours necessary for my internship
28: I am thankful for colleagues that are both helpful and friendly
29: I am thankful for coffee and a wide array of yummy flavored creamers
30: I am thankful for being able to find the time to make it to the gym and work out today, swimming laps what just what I needed for a little bit of clarity

Halloween Monster Pumpkin

I would like to preface this post by pointing out that I never in my life claimed to be an artist, or even the least bit artistic, so go easy on me! Ever since our dog, Gus, was a little monster Ryan always said that he had "bat ears", which is completely true. So, when the time came to figure out what to carve on our pumpkin the idea of Gus's "bat ears" popped into my head and I became inspired.  I decided to turn out "bat ear" dog into a bat-dog, and being that I quickly forget so many of my ideas I quickly sat down to sketch out an idea.  A few minutes and a ton of wadded pieces of paper later I had completed my drawing, I was thrilled with myself. I quickly e-mailed a picture of my sketch to Ryan, an e-mail to which his only response was "you're crazy".

Tracing my sketch onto the pumpkin was not difficult at all, but me, a pumpkin carving virgin, was more worried about how it would look once I had a knife in hand. I must say that the end product turned out a lot better than I was expecting (primarily because I managed to keep all my digits in tact) and the pumpkin actually resembles my sketch! Here are a few pictures of my artistic venture, go me!

Hope everyone has a very scary Halloween!

Green With Envy

Let me take a quick second to let you in on a recipe for THE most delicious salad that I have ever had.  If you find yourself putting hot sauce on nearly everything you are in good company because over the years I have come to find that hot sauce is my culinary Achilles heel. From Tabasco to jalapenos to Sriracha I do not discriminate, so when I stumbled upon this recipe in Ryan's Men's Health magazine I knew it was one I would have to try.  This recipe is incredibly easy and oh-so-satisfying, definitely allowing you to make a meal out of your salad! And now I introduce to you Asian Beef Salad with Sriracha Honey Dressing

What You Need:

• 1 lb flank steak
• Salt and Ppepper (to taste)
• 2 tsp honey
• 1 tsp Sriracha (add more if you want to make it hotter, duh)
• 1/2 tbsp low sodium soy sauce 
• 1 lime's worth of juice
• 1/2 cup EVOO
• 1 bag watercress (if you like the peppery bite) or a bag of spring mix
• 1 pint cherry tomatoes, halved
• 1/4 small red onion (unless you're a freak who likes raw onion, ewww)
• 1+ avocado, sliced (the more the merrier in my book)      
• 1/2 English cucumber, thinly sliced
• handful of fresh cilantro  

What You Do:

1.

Sear the steak: Preheat a grill, grill pan, or cast-iron skillet on medium high. Season the steak with salt and pepper and cook it to medium rare, 3 to 4 minutes per side. Let the steak rest for at least 5 minutes and then slice it thinly across the grain.

2.

Make the dressing: While the meat rests, combine the honey, Sriracha, soy sauce, and lime juice with a pinch of pepper in a mixing bowl. Gradually whisk in the oil.

3.

Assemble the salad: In a large bowl, toss the steak slices with the vegetables and cilantro. Drizzle in the dressing and toss until the salad is lightly coated.

*As with any recipe, feel free to alter quantities to taste. For instance, with the Sriracha I put in a TON more than 1 tsp and about 1 tbsp soy sauce opposed to the recommended 1/2 tbsp. It is your salad, so go on ahead and do whatever you darn well please!* 

ENJOY! 

Engagement Pictures

This past weekend Ryan, Gus and I went to St. Louis to take our engagement pictures and to check out some wedding band options.  My friend Lauren and her boyfriend Trent, of Trent Broglin Photography, spent all afternoon with us, taking pictures all around the St. Louis area. We shot at Chandler Hill Vineyard as well as various locations around Forest Park. Initially I was nervous going into Saturday because it was supposed to rain all day, but thankfully the rain held off and we had a gorgeous day for pictures! As you know, I am obsessed with our 2 year old French Bulldog/Boston Terrier mix, Mr. Gus-Gus, so it was only right to bring him along and include him in the pictures!

The first place we took pictures was at Chandler Hill Vineyard in Defiance, MO (about 45 out of St. Louis).  The vineyard and beautiful sky was a lovely backdrop for some really great pictures.

 

 

 

 

Love this picture, Gus's tongue hanging out is just too funny!

While leaving Chandler Hill, Trent spotted an old barn-house so we took a 20 minute detour to take a few more pictures. This house was so dilapidated but so beautiful, really provided a pretty background for these pictures. Also, the yard of this house was scattered with black walnuts which Trent used to prop up my ring for a close-up picture

 

After leaving Chandler Hill and eating some lunch we headed towards Forest Park. If you have never been to Forest Park let me tell you one thing; you are missing out! My mom and grandma used to take me to Forest Park when I was little, so I cannot help but to think of them whenever I visit. We took pictures at various locations around the park and even took a dip in the fountain at the base of Art Hill. While Trent was taking pictures, Lauren was the official dog wrangler, keeping an eye on Gus and providing plenty of entertainment as he attempted to drag her all around the park!

 

 

 

As always, Gus was the true star of the show.Out of all of the pictures in the preview, this one of Gus had more likes than any other, proving just how popular of a monster he really is!

*all of these pictures are the property of Trent Broglin Photography*

National Coming Out Day

I am not a member of the LGBT community but many people close to my heart are. So, in honor of National Coming Out Day this post is dedicated to these amazing people and celebrate all of the amazing things that these individuals have to offer. From family members to co-workers to friends, I know and love many people who have been made to feel as though their love is less than their heterosexual counterparts and this thought is heartbreaking for me. Your love, friendship, strength and sense of who you are is truly a source of inspiration and I do not know that I communicate this as much as I should. So, cheers to you and all of your awesomeness, here's to hoping that soon everyone's hearts will be filled with love and acceptance!

Date For The Relationship You Want

I'll bet you an imaginary dollar that you have heard the expression "dress for the job you want, not the one you have" or something similar, right? Good! Well I dare say that a variation of the same is true for relationships. 

How many times have you gone on a date with a guy, made out in the back seat of his car and then cried yourself to sleep because he never called you back? Too many times is my guess.  There is this universal idea called the rule of attraction which postulates that like attracts like, aka girls putting out attract men who are looking for a little action and not a relationship (and quite frankly are not fit to be in one). So many girls go into dates thinking that the guy will be more likely to show interest if they put out, which is true, but in cases like this all that the guys are interested in is sex not what kind of girlfriend or wife you would be. Women also tend to think that you need to put out in order to keep a guy around, again this is true, but rest assured that these are not the type of men you want hanging around. Don't get me wrong, I am a big believer in the mythical "stripper with a heart of gold"-esque urban legend, but much like whoreish men, they are few and far between so holding your breath would be ill-advised.You may be asking yourself what this all means and to be honest it is quite simple, date for the relationship you want.

If you are looking for a fling or a hook-up buddy getting drunk and fooling around on the first date is a great idea because this is the type of "relationship" you are looking for, however, if this is not what you want I would strongly advise against this behavior.  Your behavior in the first few dates sets the tone for the rest of the relationship and puts you into the appropriate "zone" (friend zone, girlfriend zone, booty call zone). If you are looking for a relationship it is so important that you present yourself as someone who is girlfriend material: respectable, intelligent, classy and confident. All of these qualities (in addition to numerous others) are ones that are positively associated with the "girlfriend" prototype and depicting yourself in this manner lets the guy see you as someone who is girlfriend material, or at least it plans the seed in his mind. 

After the first few weeks of dating gone by it is so important that you keep up the classy behavior meaning no sex, oral or otherwise. Yes, you read that correctly, I am advising you against having sex and here is the reason why.  Most any guy can wait a week or two for sex, but a guy who can wait a month or more is someone who is into you for reasons other than your body, meaning that he is interested in who you are as a person. If a guy likes you for these reasons, the right reasons, he will have no problem keeping it in his pants for as long as it takes for him to win your heart. Plus, even the best guys lose interest early on in the relationship if sex is freely offered up. Not having sex early in a relationship forces the guy to get to know you and form a bond with you over something other than lust and desire, instead he begins to become attached to you because he cares for, and respects, who you are as a person. This early process can be tedious and frustrating, but if you are really and truly wanting a partner in life then it is one that needs to handled with patience and care because it really is one of the most important phases in any relationship.

Once this attachment has been established and exclusivity has been decided upon intimacy can be incorporated into the relationship. Having an emotional commitment to each other is so critical to having a well-rounded and satisfying sexual relationship. Granted, you can have great sex with some random person, but if it is with someone you care about then the connection goes so much deeper and makes the sex that much more satisfying.  Plus, if you are having sex with someone who cares about you they are going to be a lot more likely to take your sexual needs and desires into consideration which ultimately leads to greater sexual satisfaction. 

When dating it is so important to keep your eye on the prize and not let yourself be distracted by "bad boys" and those who are not worth your time. The more time you spend with these types of guys the more likely you are to let the right guy walk right by you. It is important to spend your energy seeking out relationships that are good for you and walking away from those that aren't. To be honest, I have been in (and stayed in) my fair share of dysfunctional relationships because I was afraid of being alone and I figured that something is better than nothing, but now I see just how wrong I was. After each of these relationships ended I would tell myself that love is a learning process and that the payoff would be well worth it and it totally is. Dating my exes taught me exactly what I want/need in a relationship and what I won't put up with and enabled me to refine my dating game and find someone who is very well-suited for me. The worst thing we can do is not learn from our past because it has so much insight to offer us for our future. Keep your eye on the prize ladies because I assure you that there is someone out there who is looking for someone just like you, you just need to keep your eyes open so you don't miss him when he is right in front of you.

Chicago For The Weekend

Whoa baby, to say this past week has been a whirlwind would be a gross understatement.  Ryan got back from Africa Wednesday afternoon and Thursday we left for Chicago to attend one of Ryan's high school friend's wedding.  Since Ryan's body was still on Africa time (7 hours ahead) he decided that our best bet was to leave KC at 2 a.m. Thursday.  I hate road trips because I get all agoraphobic (fear of being unable to easily escape) which results in a lot of anxiety, needless to say that I did not sleep much on that trip.  

We rolled into Chicago around 10 on Thursday morning and immediately went to meet up with Ryan's friend Christine, Mike and Pat who were staying at Christine's place. From here we went to a nearby restaurant whose name I cannot recall for the life of me, and had one of THE best meals that I have ever had.  I would describe this restaurant as a delicatessen-gastropub-chic-esque place with a menu that is drool-worthy.  I got a roasted chicken, brie, Fuji apple and sprout ciabatta sandwich that was killer and Mike got vanilla bean brioche french toast. This french toast blew my mind, so good. 

Vanilla bean brioche french toast with granola, blueberries, strawberries and blackberries with a custard sauce..yummm

Later in the day we headed to a Chicago suburb for the wedding. The groom was Hispanic so the ceremony was bi-lingual and the reception had so many neat Hispanic touches which was really cool.  The couple surprised everyone with a wonderful mariachi band who were incredibly entertaining and talented. 

Mackesiecker coming at ya!

Ryan and I

Mariachi band

The singer

The next morning we left to go back to Ryan's friend Andrea's apartment in Wrigleyville and spent the afternoon drinking and playing "bags" on the rooftop deck. Malorie drove down from Milwaukee to visit and Lindsay and her boyfriend Steve met up with us to go out for drinks.  Needless to say, but it was a good day.

View of downtown Chicago from Andrea's Wrigleyville apartment

Playing bags on the rooftop deck

Mid-afternoon cat nap, this getting married business is exhausting!

Malorie, Migs and I.... reunited at last!

Pumpkin Spice & Cream Cheese Bread

I don't know what it is about fall, but once it rolls around I find myself  buying/baking anything and EVERYTHING pumpkin related. From Starbucks' pumpkin spice latte to chocolate chip pumpkin cookies I lose my damn mind daily with today being no exception.  After celebrating the beginning of fall by painting my nails dark gray I found myself perusing Pinterest looking for pumpkin-spiration and low and behold there it was, staring me straight in the face: pumpkin spice and and cream cheese bread. The recipe is easy enough and most all of the ingredients can be found in the average person's pantry, making this a very accessible recipe. I plan on giving these loaves as gifts to friends so I doubled up the batter and they turned out just fine! I would also recommend only filling the pans about 1/2 full of batter before adding the cheese batter on top, still leaving about 1/2 an inch from the top of the pan.

Pumpkin Spice & Cream Cheese Bread

Yields 3 mini loaves (the mini loaf pans I use are 5 3/4 inches long X 3 inches wide X 2 inches deep)

For the Cheese Batter:
8 oz cream cheese, room temperature
1 large egg, room temperature, lightly beaten
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

For the Pumpkin Spice Batter:
3/4 cup brown sugar, lightly packed
2 large eggs
3/4 cup pumpkin puree
2 tablespoons canola oil
1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/4 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
1/4 teaspoon ginger
1/8 teaspoon cloves

Other:
Butter, to grease the pans

For the Cheese Batter:  Use a handheld electric mixer to beat together all ingredients until smooth and creamy.

For the Pumpkin Spice Batter:  Preheat oven to 350F; lightly grease 3 mini loaf pans with butter.
-In a medium bowl, whisk together the brown sugar and eggs until light and fluffy, then stir in the pumpkin, canola oil, and vanilla. 
- In a separate bowl, whisk or sift together the flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves. 
- Gradually stir the dry ingredients into the wet, being careful not to over-mix.  
-Divide the pumpkin batter between the 3 loaf pans, then pour the cheese batter on top.
-Bake until golden around the edges, about 35 to 40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted inside comes out clean or with just a couple crumbs.  
-Cool 10 minutes in the pans, then remove from the pans and transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling.

I plan on keeping my loaves in the pans and wrapping them up so that they make nice and festive little gifts for my friends.  Hope you enjoy this recipe! 

The Hunt Is On: Take 2!

As expected, the  dress style that I thought I wanted looked like total crap on me... that's my life! However, I found another style that is SO much better suited to me.  While I love the elegant look of lace straps, I am far too short to pull it off so I have decided to head in the direction of strapless, lace, A-line wedding dresses.  This style is so perfect for the vibe I am going for, however, there is one problem... their price point starts a lot higher than other styles of dresses, whoops!  I found a few contenders at my appointments last week, but I still have another few appointments left to look.  I love looking at dresses and I could play dress up forever, but with the wedding less than 7 months away I need to narrow down my selection even further and pick the dress. So, in an effort to be timely, I have set a deadline.  My dad and aunts are coming up to KC the last weekend in October to see my top choices and help me pick which dress I will be wearing when walk down the aisle! The following pictures are the dress styles that are topping my list right now, as well as my personal favorite that I tried on, but knowing that Ryan reads my blog I'm not going to tell you which one it is :-) 

no black bow, ew

The Hunt Is On!

I still have not even begun to process the fact that I am getting married in 7 short months, much less  the fact that I will be trying on wedding dresses this time tomorrow.  My mind is blown.  After doing some research in the form of "Say Yes To The Dress" marathons as well as pinterest browsing, I have come to one conclusion, wedding dresses are grossly overpriced! I know that budget is going to play a huge part in whichever dress I choose, but I would like to pretend that budget isn't an issue for a minute.... a girl can dream, right? As you can see, I am leaning towards a lace dress with a sweetheart-ish neckline and an A-line shape. I'm hoping that this style looks good on because, to be honest, I pretty much hate everything else I have seen so far. Fingers crossed!

Detox Smoothies

While Ryan has been away on his African safari I have made it a point to get in my fruits and veggies.  I'll be honest and tell you that I don't like eating fruit, not because of how it tastes, but I don't like biting into it. Yes, I know that this is weird. And as far as veggies are concerned, I don't want them unless they are smothered in ranch.... So, in an effort to still get in my daily servings I have started to make myself smoothies in the morning for breakfast.  I found a few recipes on Pinterest and have been trying them out this week.  The servings are a bit small to fill you up, so I would recommend doubling up on ingredients.  Here are the 2 that I've been testing out this week! I know that it sounds weird to put an avocado in a smoothie but just go with it, you cannot even taste it!

*Silky Mango*

• 1/4 cup mango cubes
• 1/4 cup avocado
• 1/2 cup of orange juice
• 1 tbsp freshly squeezed lime juice (less is more)

Combine all ingredients in a blender and process until smooth.

*Brain health blueberry dream*

• 1 cup of unsweetened frozen blueberries, thawed
• 1 small banana
• 1 tbsp of cold-pressed flaxseed oil or processed flaxseed
• splash of orange juice

Combine all ingredients in a blender and process until smooth.

Life Lessons

Mid-shower I had an epiphany, not one of the religious variety, but an epiphany all the same.  I have never considered myself a glutton for punishment, but looking back over some of my past relationship blunders I cannot help but to think that I just may be a total masochist (not of the sexual variety).  There are some lessons that we all have to learn the hard way, but I cannot help but to think that some could be learned vicariously through others, thus the reasons for this post.  Here are some things that I learned the hard way, learn from my mistakes and try to avoid the same damn thing!

#1: The reason he did not call is not because he was in some horrible accident in which he developed amnesia, he just doesn't like you. Now pull your head out of that bucket of ice cream, pick your dignity up off of the floor and move on woman!

 #2: The reason he is dating the ditz is because her boobs are gigantic and she put out on their second date, end of story.

#3: Momma's boys are going to listen to their mothers over their girlfriends, unless you are happy playing second fiddle to their mother it might be in your best interest to move along.

#4: 23 years old and never had a "real relationship", take that as a sign and don't waste your time. 

#5: If a guy is a smooth talker that means that he has had a lot of practice perfecting this skill, probably not the best guy to go for.

#6: Don't date musicians, period.

#7: "I swear, this never happens to me" is code for "yup, this happens alllll the time"

#8: Men who are selfish in bed tend to be selfish in relationships, if you're not a priority in one don't expect to be a priority in the other

#9: Date guys who have younger sisters, they will be fiercely protective and incredibly nurturing.

#10: Just because he is tall, that doesn't mean squat.

#11: If all your friends don't like him then you need to pay attention to your relationship because they are most likely seeing something that you are not noticing.

#12: If he isn't nice to animals then he's probably not going to be so nice to you.

#13: Don't waste your time crying over some guy who broke up with you while trying to convince yourself that y'all were "meant to be together". If you were meant to be together he wouldn't have dumped your crying ass, get over it.

#14: You do not have to remain friends with all of your exes, but you shouldn't hate all of them either.

#15: If the main reason you stay in a relationship is because you love his family then that is not a relationship you should be in.

#16: If after 9 months he only says "I love you" when he is drunk then he probably doesn't love you.

#17: Don't go into any relationship expecting someone to change, you either accept them as they are or you leave them be.

#18: You cannot build a relationship solely based on sex (kissing, snuggling, etc...) but you cannot build one without it either.

#19: No relationship should cost you near and dear friendships, if you ever feel forced to choose then give him/her the boot.

#20: The more time you spend nitpicking every single fault the less time you have to get to know everything that is wonderful about them (plus, look in the mirror, are you perfect? NO!)





...Questions or comments? Hit me up!

My Key to Happy Relationships

     The other day I got to thinking about this whole idea of confidence and self-esteem and the role that it plays in one's happiness.  Like most people, I have been caught up in relationships to a point where I began to define myself by that relationship, as "so and so's girlfriend" instead of Quinn. While this was not problematic in the beginning, as time went on I began to find myself growing depressed and unhappy in these relationships no matter how good they were and I never knew why. This trend continued on throughout the majority of my college relationships and I always blamed the guy or the relationship, never taking the time to look at myself and the role that I was playing in my own unhappiness.  After my last relationship ended I was crushed, literally a hot mess, and I had no clue why. Yes I liked the guy, but I knew damn well all along that the relationship was incredibly flawed and that he was not "the one".  I knew both logically and emotionally,  but I still felt like crap and I had no idea why.   Well, this meltdown, along with a number of others, was one of my life's greatest mysteries for a long time until I grew up a little bit and gained some insight.  

    The way I see it is this.  I started off these relationships 100% Quinn, but as time went on I began to see myself as "X's girlfriend" instead of my own awesome, unique, and quirky person.  By seeing myself myself this way I unknowingly tied the majority of my confidence and self-esteem to what my partner thought of me, thus letting my confidence be dictated by someone else.  This was fine when we were having a good day, but whenever there was a rough patch in the relationship I would find myself feeling like the walls were caving in and I had no idea why.   I blindly handed my confidence over to someone else without ever taking the time to evaluate things for myself, and this is why I was so miserable.  Yes it is great to have the approval of others, but if you do not have your own approval nothing anyone else ever says is going to be worth a damn.  I've learned that the unhappiest people in the world are those who strive to be what everyone else wants/needs but never takes the time to make sure that they are happy with themselves.

    Once I realized this maladaptive pattern in my relationships I made it a point to hold myself accountable for my own happiness and not let it be dictated by some boy with messy hair and a southern drawl. And you know what? I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER!  After a while of working on myself I decided to start dating again, promising myself that I would not make the same mistake that I had in the past.  For the most part things went well, but I definitely had a few blunders along the way.  One in particular was when a guy I had been out with a few times went m.i.a.  Old Quinn would have turned into a crying snotty mess, but New Quinn knew that this blow off had more to do with this guy's flakey "musician" ways than anything else, and knowing this New Quinn moved right on. After a few months of dating around I met a guy who was nothing that I was ever looking for or ever thought that I wanted, but you know what, he was just what I needed.  Two years later as I am sitting here typing this Ryan and I are celebrating two amazing years together and planning for our wedding in the spring.  I am lucky to have someone who loves me for exactly who I am and, if given the chance, wouldn't change a hair on my head. I got lucky with Ryan and I know that.  However, I also know that had I stayed in those relationships where I let my happiness be dictated by someone else that I would not have been in the right place to feel like I deserved Ryan or anything that he had to offer.

    I always dealt with breakups by telling myself that everything has a purpose and that in the end it will all make sense, and I solidly believe that. I have been through relationship hell and back and I would gladly do it again knowing how much better it would make me both as an individual and as a partner.  My assorted heartaches taught me the importance of loving and being happy with myself and that confidence like this cannot be shaken by anyone. So I guess the moral of my story is this, hold yourself accountable for your own happiness, do not make it a contingency of any relationship.  One last thing, here is a text message that my dear friend sent me over 2 years ago following a break-up, it is amazing!

 "Following your dreams and becoming the best version of yourself is the best way to find the better half that's right for you. Because they will love the mature you and the you that you are most satisfied with".