The other day I got to thinking about this whole idea of confidence and self-esteem and the role that it plays in one's happiness. Like most people, I have been caught up in relationships to a point where I began to define myself by that relationship, as "so and so's girlfriend" instead of Quinn. While this was not problematic in the beginning, as time went on I began to find myself growing depressed and unhappy in these relationships no matter how good they were and I never knew why. This trend continued on throughout the majority of my college relationships and I always blamed the guy or the relationship, never taking the time to look at myself and the role that I was playing in my own unhappiness. After my last relationship ended I was crushed, literally a hot mess, and I had no clue why. Yes I liked the guy, but I knew damn well all along that the relationship was incredibly flawed and that he was not "the one". I knew both logically and emotionally, but I still felt like crap and I had no idea why. Well, this meltdown, along with a number of others, was one of my life's greatest mysteries for a long time until I grew up a little bit and gained some insight.
The way I see it is this. I started off these relationships 100% Quinn, but as time went on I began to see myself as "X's girlfriend" instead of my own awesome, unique, and quirky person. By seeing myself myself this way I unknowingly tied the majority of my confidence and self-esteem to what my partner thought of me, thus letting my confidence be dictated by someone else. This was fine when we were having a good day, but whenever there was a rough patch in the relationship I would find myself feeling like the walls were caving in and I had no idea why. I blindly handed my confidence over to someone else without ever taking the time to evaluate things for myself, and this is why I was so miserable. Yes it is great to have the approval of others, but if you do not have your own approval nothing anyone else ever says is going to be worth a damn. I've learned that the unhappiest people in the world are those who strive to be what everyone else wants/needs but never takes the time to make sure that they are happy with themselves.
Once I realized this maladaptive pattern in my relationships I made it a point to hold myself accountable for my own happiness and not let it be dictated by some boy with messy hair and a southern drawl. And you know what? I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER! After a while of working on myself I decided to start dating again, promising myself that I would not make the same mistake that I had in the past. For the most part things went well, but I definitely had a few blunders along the way. One in particular was when a guy I had been out with a few times went m.i.a. Old Quinn would have turned into a crying snotty mess, but New Quinn knew that this blow off had more to do with this guy's flakey "musician" ways than anything else, and knowing this New Quinn moved right on. After a few months of dating around I met a guy who was nothing that I was ever looking for or ever thought that I wanted, but you know what, he was just what I needed. Two years later as I am sitting here typing this Ryan and I are celebrating two amazing years together and planning for our wedding in the spring. I am lucky to have someone who loves me for exactly who I am and, if given the chance, wouldn't change a hair on my head. I got lucky with Ryan and I know that. However, I also know that had I stayed in those relationships where I let my happiness be dictated by someone else that I would not have been in the right place to feel like I deserved Ryan or anything that he had to offer.
I always dealt with breakups by telling myself that everything has a purpose and that in the end it will all make sense, and I solidly believe that. I have been through relationship hell and back and I would gladly do it again knowing how much better it would make me both as an individual and as a partner. My assorted heartaches taught me the importance of loving and being happy with myself and that confidence like this cannot be shaken by anyone. So I guess the moral of my story is this, hold yourself accountable for your own happiness, do not make it a contingency of any relationship. One last thing, here is a text message that my dear friend sent me over 2 years ago following a break-up, it is amazing!
"Following your dreams and becoming the best version of yourself is the best way to find the better half that's right for you. Because they will love the mature you and the you that you are most satisfied with".
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