A Few Words of Advice on How to Capture and Maintain Long-Term Love and Happiness

A Few Words of Advice on How to Capture and Maintain Long-Term Love and Happiness

If there was a book that taught you the secrets to a lifetime of love and happiness with your partner would you read it?  While this may sound too good to be true, the fact of the matter is that there are some tried and true ways to develop and maintain happy and healthy relationships.  The trick of this is to find out which methods work best for you and your partner and the only way to do this is through trial and error.  While the specifics can vary relationship to relationship, there are some universal factors that are found to be associated with loving and long-lived relationships.  First I am going to share some of my thoughts and advice, then I am going to include some advice from my friends.  Between these two sources I hope you find something that you are able to take to heart and incorporate into your relationships!  Happy loving everyone!

#1 Communication! I know that everyone says that communication is important in relationships, which is completely true, but what is surprising is how so many people are communicating ineffectively with their partners.  Effective communication is not something that everyone inherently knows, it is in fact a learned behavior that takes a good amount of practice to perfect.  While it may take some work, the payoff is well worth it!Effective communication can make your partner feel loved, supported, and understood.  What I am going to share with you is the L.O.V.E method, a form of effective communication that can work with anyone from your partner to co-workers to your in-laws.  Alrighty, here we go!

L.isten.  Listen to your partner when they are speaking to you, maintain eye contact and be sure to be aware of your body language.  While you may not be aware of this, non-verbal does just as much communication as the actual words that will come out of your mouth, so be conscious of this. Do not interrupt or give in to distractions that may be occurring around you, just sit there and give your loved one your full attention (you'd want them to do the same for you, wouldn't you?).
O.ffer.  Offer your partner the chance to go on or offer more information before you respond.  Asking them a question as simple as "is there anything else" lets them know that you are engaged in what they are trying to communicate and that you are wanting to hear what they have to say.  If they choose to add more information let them continue, if they do not have more to add move onto the next step.
V.alidate.  Validate what your partner is communicating to you, let them know that you hear their concern/comment and that it is something that you value. This helps them feel supported and really does a good job of building the "team" feeling within your relationship.
E.mpathize.  Let your partner know that while you are not in their position or sharing their point of view, that you understand how frustrated/happy/sad they must be and how these feelings are real and valid to you. Like validation, this builds up the feeling of unity and teamwork.

Now that you are the L.O.V.E method guru, lets put your new found smarts to the test with a real life example, although with smarts like yours I'm sure you don't need the practice!

 Your partner comes to you saying that they are upset that you were home all day and did not do the dirty dishes and that instead you decided to watch TV.  The way to respond would be something like the following, "(listen) Sure, is there anything more that is upsetting you? That is completely understandable that you feel like I left the dishes for you to do, and to be honest, if I were in your shoes I would be upset too.

#2 Support! One of your unofficial jobs as someone's partner is to be their biggest cheerleader as they take on the hurdles that life throws at them.  This is not to say that you have to agree with everything they say or do because that is impossible and entirely unrealistic, but rather that you support their happiness and their journey towards the goal of achieving happiness.  Lets say your partner wants to quit their day job to become a hand model, you may think this is is ridiculous (which it is),but communicating that you support the fact that this is important to them and their happiness, no matter how crazy it may be, is an awesome thing.  You don't have to support all their crazy ideas but you need to be able to support them as a person. Being able to distinguish these two things can be difficult at times, but like the L.O.V.E method, with a bit of practice it can really pay off!  

#3 Honesty! Remember when your mom used to tell you "honesty is always the best policy", well she was right!  However, don't confuse honesty with brutal honesty, because, as the name suggests, brutal honesty is, well.... brutal.  There are nice ways and not nice ways to communicate things, so when in doubt the rule of thumb is this: say things in a way which are honest and true to your thoughts/beliefs but do so without attacking or degrading the person who you are talking to. By communicating in an honest and loving way your partner is a lot less likely to be defensive which will help to facilitate a more productive and supportive conversation. 

#4 Intimacy! I feel that many people hear the word "intimacy" and their initial reaction is to cringe.  However, despite popular belief, intimacy is not limited to moves learned out of a Kama Sutra book and long walks on the beach.  You heard me right, you do not need to learn the "pretzel" or recite Frost by heart in order to experience intimacy in your relationships!  There are 2 main types of intimacy and displaying behaviors from both categories can really help your relationship! Emotional intimacy pertains to an emotional connection and can be gained by using some of the L.O.V.E principles listed above.  Emotional intimacy lets your partner feel heard and feel as though their thoughts are important to you.  I'll tell you this, most women will go for a good listener over a sexy body any day of the week, promise.  Like emotional intimacy, physical intimacy lets your partner know that you are there for them and that you are valuable to them.  Small things like holding hands, brushing hair out of her face, and pinching her butt while in public are all small acts that will have big pay-offs in your relationship.  

Enough of my thoughts on the topic, here are some words of wisdom from others!

• Never fight in public, wait it out and talk about it when you're alone.  You will be calmer, more rational, and less likely to embarrass both of you 
• Love is like a fart, if you have to push it then it is probably crap 
• "Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." -Juno
• Make the relationship a priority from the beginning. Don't wait until there is problems to work on it.
• Patience (...from my lovely fiancee)
•  Money may not grow on trees, but flowers grow on bushes on the side of the road. Pick those instead. 
•  Friend-drama? Unless it involves him directly, men couldn't give a flying fart in space. Leave him alone and call your mother/sister/BFF/other BFF.
• A committment to the commitment. An acceptance by both that marriage is an unbreakable sacred, permanent, forever decision. Done deal. No matter what happens or how the person changes.