Closure

Please forgive my tardiness in writing this post, between trying to find an internship, finding a house, finishing up some papers, and taking final exams my life has been a bit ...hectic.  But alas, here I sit on a lovely Monday afternoon writing.

Without Closure

With Closure

 So, what prompted me to write a post on closure you ask? Let me fill you in..

        In college I dated a guy, let us call him "Hal", for about a year and we wound up breaking up a week before my graduation.  We did not break up because we were unhappy in our relationship, rather, we broke up because I was moving away and having a long distance relationship was not an option for either of us.  Fast forward 4 months and I am still having these gut-wrenching feelings whenever I think about him.  Don't get me wrong, we had a good relationship, but it was definitely not a "forever and ever"-type relatioship if you catch my drift. 

        Anywho, I met Ryan and things were going great, but everytime "Hal" would contact me I would turn into an emotional nutcase.  Here I am a year and a half into a relationship with the most amazing person I have ever known in my whole life, and I still find myself thrown into a tizzy every time I think of "Hal".  After trying to deal with this, I told "Hal" to stop contacting me and he agreed.  I felt like a total bitch, because to be honest, he did nothing wrong and we ended on great terms....this got me thinking a bit.  In my past relationships I was able to let go fairly easy because we ended on bad terms, but ending on good terms was something that was entirely new to me.  After spending some time thinking this over, I realized that this was the problem.  By ending our relationship because of distance, not because of a flaw within our relationship, I did not get the closure I needed to fully move on.  Instead, I was left with a whole lot of "what ifs" that were constantly seeping into my consciousness and my current relationship.  Here is a good way to think about it.  

       Think of a closet that is well organized with everything in it's appropriate place, organized, that is the mindset of someone who has closure in a relationship.  Now, imagine a closet with shit just shoved in there, with no rhyme or reason at all.... a closet so full and messy that you can barely shut the door, this is the mindset of someone who does not have closure.  Now, with either of these closets you can shut the door and put these things out of mind, but what happens when you (or "Hal" in this case) opens the door?  Well, if you have a neat closet you can open the door and everything stays in place, but if you have a messy closet shit just comes flying out at you....this is what it feels like to not have closure in a relationship, no matter what the circumstances were regarding the termination of the relationship.  "Hal" was a great boyfriend and a really amazing human being, and I really would have loved to remain friends with him, but after 2 years of trying to find a place for our friendship I have found that I do not have one.  In my case the best thing that I can do for "Hal", Ryan, and myself is to make that closet door one that has to remain shut, meaning that I cannot have further contact with "Hal".  

        This realization is something that really upset me, because I tried so hard to find a place for our friendship, but I have realized that it is in the best interest for both myself and my relationship that I keep that door shut. I hope that one day I can find a way to turn these messy and unorganized feelings into something more organized, I truly do, but until then I need to look out for the relationship that I am in.  I wish "Hal" the best and that I have such a high opinion of him, and that I sincerely hope that he finds a partner who makes him as happy as Ryan makes me.  

        My advice to people who are struggling with similar situations is this, realize that there is a place and a time for everyone that comes into your life (both good and bad) and that part of embracing their presence is the ability to embrace their absence.  If someone is meant to be in your life they will be, it is as simple as that.  Do not waste your time longing for people who have left, instead focus on, and be thankful for, the people who have decided to stay.