I would like to start off by saying that I am by no means the perfect girlfriend (if you don't believe me ask Ryan, he will be more than happy to tell you!). I am, however, the best girlfriend that I know how to be. While I'm only beginning on my journey towards being a couples counselor/sex therapist, I have a few pieces of information that I feel is quite useful when navigating through this crazy thing called dating. I have a few friends, who will remain anonymous, who have the most impossible time finding/keeping a guy. These are smart, gorgeous and witty women, women that most men would pine over, so why are they having so much difficulty. After much thought, and interrogation, I have come to the conclusion that they are so busy looking for "Mr. Perfect" that they look over "Mr. Damn-Near-Perfect" when he comes knocking on their door. I hate to break it to you, but perfect is ideal, meaning that it is a standard that is purposely impossible to achieve all so that we can continue to strive towards self-betterment. So here is the advice that I give to my girlfriends "give the poor guy a break"! When navigating through the dating pool I recommend employing the following tactic that I find to be incredibly helpful, I like to call it "Yes, No, Maybe". Compile a list of 5 things that your ideal mate must have/be, 5 things that they must not have/be, and the rest of your wants go in a "wish list" of sorts. So for me, my "Yes, No, Maybe" would look a little bit like this:
YES
1. Intelligent
2. Kind
3. Funny
4. Motivated
5. Considerate
..... these are 5 things that I cannot live without in a partner
NO
1. Drug User (of any sort, legal and illegal)
2. Narrow-minded
3. Self-Righteous
4. Lies
5. Not Supportive
...... these are 5 things that would be deal breakers for me, even if the man was George Clooney (RAWRRRR)
These "YES" and "NO" lists help you to qualify your potential partner. If they do not have all of your "YES"s or they have even one of your"NO"s, WALK AWAY. So often I find people trying to change someone, and let me tell you something, that is a wasted effort. Who we are at our core is pretty much wholly formed around age 8, so unless you are dating an 8 year-old (which mind you is illegal) good luck! The rest of the qualities that you would like, but do not necessarily have to have, fall into your "MAYBE" category. Although these qualities are not must haves, your partner should have the majority of them, shoot for 80%ish.... Your "MAYBE" list can be as long as you like, but here are a few of mine:
MAYBE
1. Family-oriented
2. Established
3. Successful
4. Spontaneous
5. Likes animals
6. Cooks (since I don't)
7. Relaxed
8. Tall(er) than me
9. Assertive
10. Man who can be a man (so sexy)
.... these are all things that I would really like to have in a partner, but they are not necessarily things that would be deal-breakers for me.
Is this making sense?
If I have said it once, I have said it a million times, but here we go again.... LIFE IS ALL ABOUT PERSPECTIVE. By mapping out a list like the one above, you are allowing yourself to gain perspective into what really matters in a partner, which allows you to seek out those qualities. This also allows you to give someone a boot in the ass as soon as you see they do not have what you are looking for. This strategy prevents lost time and broken hearts, and is something that I wish I had known about a few boyfriends ago (you know who I am talking about). So, what do you think, has something like this worked for you?
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